bits and bobs about the weekend

Here’s the things I didn’t do this weekend:

• Cut up some tree branches for the Wheelie Bin collection
• Complete a 2 week bike ride (today)

Actually, that’s it.  Oh, I thought I was well behind but that’s all I can think of and I’m sitting here trying really hard to think.  It feels like such a slack weekend that I was certain there should have been more I was meant to do.

Ok, so there’s lots of things I could have done.  I am lacking the motivation.

Here’s what I did do:

• Hill run
• Housework
• Make a loaf of bread
• Picked up some stuff from The Palms – it always seems like a huge outing
• Had brunch with Mark (today) – that was very pleasant, we don’t do that often due to training

When I look at both lists I really didn’t have much to do.  Despite all that I sometimes feel like the weekends are busy and just want some space to do nothing.

It’s fair to say this weekend there was a lot of nothing achieved.

What I learnt this weekend:

• What iGoogle is
• How to customise my iGoogle
• How to put Twitter on my blog and add it to FaceBook
• There’s such a thing as open source ID’s
• I’d rather go and do the Source to Sea than the Harbour Ride
• Top Gear has their own blog powered by WordPress

Right, so now I’m off to go pack my gym bag ready for tomorrow morning.  I’ve decided that since I skipped today’s run that I *might* add an extra run in tomorrow after work.  Though my planned run on Tuesday will be done before work that day so that’s two runs in little more than 12 hours.

Tomorrow night I have to pack for travelling to Wellington.  I hate packing though I’m sure I’ve shared that gripe before.

Lots to do at work tomorrow, my task list is quite long.  So much to catch up on when I’ve been away from work with running training.  Of course the same will be true next weekend and the one after that.

I wonder if that’s why I feel so busy even when I’m not.  Perhaps having all that work knocking about in my head over the weekend makes me feel busy and tired and a little disorganised.

Oh, I just realised it’s end of month so there will be reports to write – which is twice the joy when I’m not even in the office to do that part of my job.  Some times I wish there was someone I could hand over my “in the office” job to while I’m working my “out of the office” job.

Sounds a bit like a Tui ad.  Yeah right!

I want to explain

I know there have been times in my blog I’ve mentioned not knowing where something is.  Like a run. Something so obvious to so many people.

I want to explain why I find it difficult to just go out and explore new things, places, activities.

I’m a control freak.  I like order.  I like boundaries. I like clear directions. I like certainty.

I do not like vague.  I do not like surprises.  I do not like the unknown.  These things make me very uncomfortable and usually nervous.

Here’s an example.  The Tuesday night run group meets at Hansen’s Park.  I had no idea where that was.  So I went for a drive to find out where it was.  I went into the park to see what was there, where you park vehicles, what facilities it had.

I did all this because I didn’t want to waste time getting there, feeling anxious about where I was going, what I would find.  I didn’t want to have to ask a stranger for help, to check if I was headed in the right direction, whether I’d make it there in time.  For me asking for help on such trivial matters is a sign of weakness – for ME.

When I do go somewhere new, even when I’ve staked the place out, I’m usually early.  Very early.  I don’t like to arrive late.  I don’t like the attention that gets you.

I like to just slip into the crowd and go unnoticed.

Maybe this is what irks me about coming last at running group.  Everyone is waiting for me.  I get noticed in a way I don’t like.

Moving on.

So new places to ride or run that are loosely described to me do my head in.  I know it should seem simple.  I’m told there’s this run, or that run and just head here, or you can get to it from there.

For some it’s an exciting adventure, something they look forward to.  Just to find a place to start and go where ever it may lead.

I don’t get a kick out of it.  I like to know where I am, where I’m going, how long it will take and exactly what I will encounter.  Will be be dressed appropriately, will I come across other people.  Will there be places I can easily stop if I find the going to tough.  I need to know before hand how difficult the terrain will be.

So if I ask lots of questions, which probably irritate those of you who relish newness and find it a positive experience, just humour me.

Even the asking for help isn’t something I’m comfortable with.  I would rather do without than having to ask for help.  But then life becomes boring or I realise I do need something different.  So I’m forced to branch out and discover new things.  Maybe it’s you I turn to for help.

Right, I just breathed a huge sigh.  There it is, my weakness (just 1 of them) is out there.  Maybe it explains some things for those that know me.  Maybe you’ll view me in a different light, and who know if it’s positively or negatively.

But there it is, for all to see.  I’m a control freak. I may be just like you, or maybe we couldn’t be more different.

I crave order not chaos.  I like planning not going off on some whim.  I need structure and direction, not loose ideas.

This is who I am.  Like it or leave it.

I’m not saying I always like who I am.  There are times I wish I could change some things about me.  But change for me doesn’t always come easy, even if I know it will do me the world of good.

I do try. I think I’ve mellowed, I think I’ve loosened the reigns, I even try to pretend things don’t bother me.  I put on a brave face.  But deep down there are some things so ingrained in my life that no matter what I *think* I’m portraying to the world, deep down I’m just the same.

I can be fragile. I do hurt.  I try not to let trivial things get to me.  I try to protect myself from situations I know wont have a happy outcome.

Wow, where did all this come from?

Guess you got more than you bargained for from reading this.

On the flip side I’m very loyal, I’m totally dedicated to my friends and family. I’m usually generous with my time and money.  If I see someone in need I want to help.  I am extremely empathetic.  I hurt when I see others hurt.  And usually I always see the good in people, even when they’re making it really difficult to do so

The good news, Mark knows all this and he still loves me.  What a wonderful man!